top of page

Shame as Our Balance Board

Writer's picture: Dana B. FernandesDana B. Fernandes

Updated: 5 days ago

Shame is an emotion that many instinctively try to avoid. It is not just uncomfortable; it is complex and often leads us to feel ashamed of experiencing it. This cycle of avoidance and suppression creates a challenging dynamic, making shame one of the most difficult emotions to understand and integrate into our lives. However, it is essential to recognize that, like all emotions, shame serves a significant purpose in our emotional landscape. When we take the time to explore and unpack it, we can discover that shame is not our adversary but rather a valuable guide, gently pointing us back toward balance, self-acceptance, and meaningful connection with others.

In the field of somatic psychology, emotions are regarded as vital messengers that communicate essential information about our internal states and external interactions. They help us maintain equilibrium and navigate the complexities of our relationships with others. Shame typically emerges when we lose touch with our centre —essentially, our inner core of values, needs, emotions, and authenticity. Just like a balance board that tips when we lean too far in one direction, shame signals us when we have strayed from our true selves, inviting us to pause, reflect, and realign with our genuine essence.


The Dual Nature of Shame

To truly understand shame, it is crucial to recognise its dual forms of shame we see, which can manifest in different ways. This study is by Lars J Sørensenwas, a Danish Psychotherapist, and it was adopted by the Bodynamic system.


  • Red Shame:

    Red shame is active and visible, often manifesting physically through signs like blushing, sweating, and a noticeable rush of blood to the face. Include in sympathetic activation, and move us into an action, which in that regard can be constructive.


  • White Shame:

    In contrast, white shame is deeper and often remains suppressed beneath the surface. This form of shame is associated with low energy, reduced blood flow, and a heavy, collapsed feeling that can be quite debilitating.

    White shame frequently arises when we lack the necessary tools to process our feelings of shame in a constructive manner, leaving us feeling isolated and unworthy.

    It lead to a step down in our nervous system regulation, and involve parasympathetic activation, can lead to actual low blood pressure.


Both forms of shame highlight the critical need for us to recognise, hold, and ultimately integrate these feelings into our understanding of ourselves. Without developing these skills, shame can either overwhelm us or remain buried deep within, obstructing its valuable messages and insights from reaching our conscious awareness.


Research showed how after WW2 many European countries struggled with it,

and led themselves into white shame. In my years of education in Germany I met it in person through peoples sharing, and personal stories with me.


White shame really prevent from us the reconciliation.


Two Core Needs at Play

Shame often arises at the intersection of two fundamental human needs essential for our emotional well-being:


  • The Need for Authenticity:

    • This need emphasises the importance of being true to our core values, emotions, and individuality, allowing us to express who we genuinely are.

  • The Need for Connection:

    • This need highlights our inherent desire to belong and maintain meaningful relationships with others, fostering a sense of community and support.


When these two needs become out of balance, shame emerges as a powerful signal, inviting us to recalibrate and restore harmony in our lives.

balance board
balance board

Shame as a Messenger of Balance

Shame plays a critical role in our emotional lives, acting as a balance board signalling when we have shifted away from our centre.


Our centre —both in a physical and emotional sense—is where our core values, deep needs, and authentic self reside. And in the Bodynamic system, and based on our psychomotor research, it seated in our deep core, in the back side of our bellybutton, and in front of our spine.


Shame serves as an important tool that helps us notice when we stray from this centre, providing us with the opportunity to reflect and recalibrate.


Straying from our centre can happen in two primary ways:

  • Overextending Ourselves:

    • When we lean too far into the need of connection - people-pleasing behaviours, when we want to be liked, loved, and appreciate on our own expense. We pull ourselves out of alignment with our true selves.

    • In these moments, shame acts as a reminder to honor our personal boundaries and to reconnect with our authenticity.

  • Withdrawing or Disconnecting:

    • On the other hand, overprotection, or excessive defensiveness, prioritising self-protection over connection can lead to emotional withdrawal and away from connection.

    • In such cases, shame signals the need for us to re-engage with others and restore the balance that fosters healthy relationships.


Let’s see it in concert examples;

We live in a social contexts, our society, our culture, our religion, our family, partnership and many more. Each of this fulfils our human need in connection and belonging. And each of them holds norms and values, if I act in a way that stray away of these norms and values, if I do something that is not in this norms and values, for example, if I went out the street in my underwear’s. I will experience shame.


On the other side of it, let’s say a person I care for deeply and like going through difficult time.I have some conflicting opinions and thoughts about his contexts of challenging times, and that makes it difficult for me to show up, and even be in any contact with him.

And then after few months, I happen to meet him randomly on the street.

 I might feel embarrassed, maybe I will even try to avoid to engage, and then when we meet I might over smile, my voice pitch might get higher, I might over do something in my expression, specially when I’m unable to acknowledge it.

That’s shame.


Why Shame is Difficult to Hold

Shame is one of those emotions that is rarely addressed constructively in our society. Many of us have been taught, either directly or indirectly, to suppress or avoid confronting our feelings of shame. This creates a detrimental cycle where suppression deepens our sense of disconnection from ourselves and others, ultimately causing us to lose sight of the valuable lessons that shame can teach us. This avoidance can lead to a greater sense of isolation, as we fail to address the root causes of our discomfort.


Relating to Shame Differently

Transforming our relationship with shame requires intentional effort and a willingness to engage with it differently.


  • Noticing Shame’s Presence:

    • Take a moment to pause and acknowledge when feelings of shame arise within you.

    • Identify where this sensation resides in your body and what messages it might be singling about your current emotional state.


  • Distinguishing the Type of Shame:

    • Consider whether you are experiencing red shame (characterised by outward energy) or white shame (associated with suppression).

    • Understanding the nature of your shame can guide your response and help you process it more effectively.


  • Recentering Yourself:

    • Reflect on the delicate balance between your need for connection and your need for authenticity.

    • Adjust your actions and decisions to realign with your core values and ensure that you are honouring both aspects of your emotional needs.


  • Practicing Compassion:

    • Shame often thrives in environments of judgment and criticism. Therefore, it is essential to approach yourself with kindness and compassion, creating a safe space for healing and growth.


Closing Thoughts

Ultimately, shame is a profound teacher that can help us examine the intricate balance between our individuality and our need for connection with others. By learning to hold space for and listen to our feelings of shame, we can transform discomfort into deeper self-awareness and more meaningful connections, and reconciliation.

Recognising shame as a balance board allows us to live authentically, navigate our relationships with greater ease, and strengthen our inner core. In this way, shame evolves from being a source of pain into a trusted guide that leads us toward harmony and wholeness in our emotional lives.


19 views0 comments

תגובות

דירוג של 0 מתוך 5 כוכבים
אין עדיין דירוגים

הוספת דירוג
bottom of page