How do you handle anger?
How do you respond to anger? Do you avoid it, finding it uncomfortable and overwhelming? Or does it emerge so strongly that it strains your relationships, coming across as rigid or overpowering?
In recent years, the topic of anger has gained significant attention in my practice.
Many clients, particularly women, struggle with expressing anger in healthy ways. Some internalise it, turning it inward, while others express it aggressively, often compromising their connections with others.
So, what is anger?
How does it relate to our boundaries, and why is it so challenging for many of us? Let’s explore these questions through the lens of somatic psychology and the Bodynamic system, a developmental approach that examines how emotions manifest in the body and muscles throughout our lives.
Understanding Anger and Emotions
Anger, like other limbic emotions, is a hormonal and physiological response in the body. In somatic psychology, emotions are seen as motions—they exist to move us into action, particularly within a social context. Emotions are essential for navigating group dynamics and relationships, playing a critical role in our survival as mammals.
As Dr. Raja Selvam puts it:
"Emotion can be thought of as an assessment of how a situation affects or impacts the well-being of the whole body."
This view is echoed in the James-Lange theory of emotion, which suggests that emotions originate in the body through changes in muscles, organs, glands, and the autonomic nervous system. Advanced imaging techniques by researchers like Lauri Nummenmaa even map the movement of emotions in the body, illustrating how deeply embodied these experiences are.
researches. Isn’t it amazing?
Anger and Boundaries
According to the Bodynamic system of somatic developmental psychology,
anger in its social context expresses:
“No,” “Enough,” “Stop.”
The system divides emotions in it's 'Layers of Feelings' theory into three categories:
Limbic emotions (e.g., anger, fear, joy, sadness).
Sentiments (cognitive emotions driven by the cortex).
Instincts (rooted in the brainstem).
Similarly, Parrott's framework of emotions suggests primary, secondary, and tertiary emotions, with anger being a primary emotion. Secondary and tertiary emotions include for example in our context, irritation and annoyance.
Anger belongs to the primary category of limbic emotions and serves as a protective force. Biochemically, anger involves sympathetic activation—a surge of adrenaline—and energy moving from the body’s center to the limbs, particularly the thighs and arms. This phenomenon, referred to as "healthy aggression," is essential for setting boundaries.
From a Bodynamic perspective, specific muscles embody this boundary-setting energy:
Vastus intermedius, medialis, and lateralis (thighs).
Rectus femoris (front of the thigh).
Deltoids (shoulders and arms).
Observing Anger in Development
As a mother, I’ve witnessed the developmental roots of anger in my children. Before they even have language, children express anger through physical actions: spitting out a pacifier, kicking during diaper changes, or pushing away with their arms. These motor functions reflect the body’s natural way of setting boundaries, driven by the sympathetic rise of limbic anger.
This developmental process begins in the body before it becomes contextualise language and social conditioning. It’s vital for caregivers to encourage and support these expressions in a safe, playful environment. If I want my child to have the ability to say "no" in adulthood, I must nurture this skill during their early years.
Clinical Observations and Personal Reflections
In my practice, I often work with women who struggle to express anger. Many say, "I’m not an angry person," and yet they feel stuck in their inability to set boundaries. This disconnect often traces back to childhood experiences where anger was misunderstood or discouraged.
When I was a child, expressing anger often led to isolation. I was sent to my room, not as a punishment but to "calm down." My system learned that anger meant losing connection. As I grew older, I coped by withdrawing or substituting anger with sadness. These patterns contributed to chronic pain and challenges in intimate relationships. After all, how long can you share life with someone without occasionally saying, "No," "Enough," or "Stop"?
The Consequences of Suppressing Anger
In my practice in recent years I meet these women who so struggle with this,
with this experience in their body.
"I am not an angry person" they express often.
And it's also the spot where I get curios to explore and play with them with this theme.
"Physical and energy defences against emotions such as constriction, low arousal, or numbing can disrupt the various flows (blood, nervous system, lymphatic, interstitial or intercellular fluid, and electromagnetic and quantum energy) that are vital for brain and body regulation and physical and psychological well-being." Dr. Raja Selvam
Reclaiming Anger as a Resource
As adults, our upper brain development provides us with more options for expressing anger. While we may no longer spit or kick, the rising energy of anger still moves through our bodies. It signals when something threatens our well-being and calls us to respond with a clear "no," "stop," or "enough."
The Bodynamic system emphasises that practicing motor functions related to anger can help develop these responses as conscious resources. By reconnecting with the physical sensations of anger and exploring them in a safe, guided way, we can transform this energy into a tool for self-care and boundary setting.
"The experience of emotion depends not only on the brain but also on the entire body and it's environment ." Dr. Raja Selvam
This learning was a profound catalyst in my journey, and the way through it was practicing and experiencing it within my body, in to my relationships and life—from within, out.
Even if, as an adult, I set my boundaries from a place of self-care, the foundation to this action come from what accessible or not for me in my body, from my childhood experiences and development.
If I lack these skills in my body, it becomes very difficult and fragmented action.
Learning to sense, contain, move and healthy express this energy is a catalyst for our body, relationships and life.
I would always love to hear your experience and thoughts after reading.
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